Oh, But He IS That Into You
He’s Just Not that Into You, the bestselling book by the Sex and the City staff writer Greg Behrendt has been adapted for the silver screen and hit theaters on February 6th. The movie of the same name stars Jennifer Aniston, Ben Affleck, and Drew Barrymore, and is poised to be a Valentine’s Day rom-com hit as it delivers a funny yet tough-love message to single women viewers: “If he’s not calling, if he’s not asking you out, and if he’s not proposing, he’s just not that into you.”
But “He’s Just Not that Into You” willfully overlooks a key aspect of today’s singles scene. In previous eras, books like “How to Catch and Hold a Man” and the Rules were anachronistic dating bibles that instructed young women to make themselves unavailable and play hard to get, because men supposedly love the thrill of the chase and they enjoy being the pursuers. But young women today make themselves so overly available to men that it turns men off. When young women call and text their crushes constantly, initiate making out on the first date and make themselves sexually available after the second and third dates, and act so eager to please (often ironically in the name of equalitarian dating!), it inspires guys to turn the tables. When young women make themselves so available, guys in turn become withholding and they suddenly can call the shots in the relationship–again–by not calling. Men become the ones who don’t return text messages, who don’t call back, and who don’t express interest in the opposite sex’s carefully thought-out jokes during dates, because men know that this will drive women even faster into their arms.
These new gender roles in dating give men all the same power they had when they were the pursuers, and young women around the country (especially on college campuses!) are finding that they embarrass themselves again and again as they pursue relationships… but they don’t have any other ideas on how to lure guys when they’re not coming on too strong. A generation or so ago, women’s main question was, “Why isn’t he calling?!” Today, the stressful question is, “Why isn’t he returning any of my [seven] calls?” I’m not judging anyone because I’m just as guilty of this behavior as any girls, and I think the key problem is that we gals (and especially we Supergirls!) are so eager to go on dates, hook-up, and have boyfriends that we want to pester them and follow-up with them until we get to see them again. But it makes guys pull away, and it gives them all the power.
Honestly, I am going to see He’s Just Not that Into You this weekend, and I have a feeling I’m going to like it–I love virtually anything with Jennifer Aniston in it–but it’s interesting to look at the history of dating and gender roles that this otherwise fun-loving rom-com brings up. But there’s something we can do! We need to need guys less; we need to stop investing our identities in our male counterparts and stop desperately wanting male validation. (I know, I know, much easier said than done). If women approach dating, sex, and relationships with the same casual attitude that men seem to employ (”If something happens, great. If not, no big deal, I’ve got Friday night open now!”), I think we’ll find dating to be much more enjoyable when the stakes are lower.